why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
