After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
