I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
