I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
