woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
