How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
