So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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