I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
