Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
