I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
