Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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