Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
