Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
