This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
