id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
