I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
