Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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