What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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