Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
