Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
