im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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