I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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