If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
