can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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