He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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