my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
