just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
