Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
