i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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