Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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