Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
