Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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