I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
