The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
