I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
