Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
