I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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