____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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