he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
