got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize