she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
