ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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