I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
