Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
