I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
