At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
