Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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