They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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