I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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