That's when you crack a 10am beer
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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