Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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