There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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