i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
