Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
