This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
