Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
