she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
