i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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