Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize