dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
