Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
