My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
