do herpes really smell.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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