I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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